Date & Time - April 17th 2015, 3:37am

As I write this I am sitting on the floor of my bedroom. There is a bed next to me but it's become too comfortable. 

I'm writing about loneliness.

When you search for 'loneliness' in a thesaurus, it throws up many words.  

  • Alienation
  • Isolation
  • Desolation
  • Heartache
  • Remoteness
  • Withdrawal

The three that I have highlighted describe, to a certain extent, what I am feeling as I type this. 

 

Here are my reasons.

1. My girlfriend, the beautiful and completely out of my league Davina, flew home to Los Angeles a week ago after spending time with me in London. 

We met when I arrived in Los Angeles and since then we have travelled, fought, loved, grown up, made up, laughed, cried, sang (not really because she is amazing at it and I get shy and embarrassed) among other things.

She left London for LA and I may not see the love of my life again until the end of June.

64 days
92160 minutes
5529600 seconds

 

2. My life for the past 5 months has been the greatest adventure I have ever been on. I flew to NYC and travelled across America before living in LA for five months. I found the love of my life, amazing friends and new experiences. Returning home, in a way, destroyed the reality I had built.

Everything I had constructed in LA was no longer here for me. I cannot hang out with my friends, go to my regular coffee shop to work or just walk outside in the beautiful Southern Californian air. All the connections I have made and the bridges I have built feel like they are crumbling. It's difficult to stay in contact with people living 8 hours behind. I am missing out on dinners, trips, night outs and just talking. I am missing out on friendship. 

 

3. When I arrived back in the UK, I had no place to stay of my own. My wonderful mum was moving into a new home in a new town, so I am now living there until I can go back to LA. I had never been to this town. I know nobody here. I am starting from scratch. I feel like the kid who is arriving at a new school half way through the year. Friendships have already been made prior to my arrival, connections formed. I have no one to phone and ask if they want to meet up for a drink. I have no friends to have fun with. I have no friends to laugh with. 

 

So these circumstances have made me feel slightly (sorry, extremely) lonely.

 

Now, about this feeling of loneliness.

It sits in your stomach. Just waiting to be felt. It can be distracted but it never leaves. It can be ignored but never removed. 

Loneliness can hit at any time. For me, it's at night. I can avoid it during the day. I will go out and take photographs or film a new YouTube video.

 

At night it is different.

 

You can sometimes forget how quiet it is outside at night. Currently there is no noise. My heart is beating pretty fast as I'm typing this so that's the only sound I can hear. For the last few nights I have sat on my bed, doing nothing outside of waiting for my girlfriend to respond to my texts or snaps.

2 minutes feel like 20. 5 minutes feel like 50.

When you are doing nothing in silence your mind can go crazy. It creates hypotheticals. It makes problems. It overthinks

It can be dangerous. 

When I break it all down I feel lost and alone. 

There is no pretty conclusion to this blog. No storybook ending. 

This is just how I feel.

5529455 seconds

 

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